The " Bugle 10 "
This edition of the Bugle may appear a little disjointed and this is for a good reason. It has been a while since the last Bugle came out and now that the season is started we can expect more news to be made public, and it is our duty to bring this to your attention.
Here are some snippets of things that have been happening in and around the club....
Firstly..... Past President`s, in this case the most recent past president.
Apparently during the Friendly against Milngavie one of the visiting players had a rather embarrassing incident with his shoes... The gentleman concerned was a bit surprised to find his shoes missing after he had finished playing. They had been taken!!!!!!!
After a fairly short investigation we discovered that our IPP was in fact wearing his opponent`s shoes! Now how good is that at extending the foot of friendship.. According to IPP they looked remarkably similar and the mistake was perfectly understandable. Rumour has it that the Mingavie bowler is a size 7 and our IPP maybe isn`t ! Anyway the mistake was rectified and there were no hard feelings afterwards, we are currently awaiting some photo`s that IPP Jim took of his feet in the lounge afterwards to either prove he was wearing his own shoes, or to remind him what they looked like if he ever has another " Senior moment" when putting his shoes on.... :-P
Next Past President story...
It would appear that one of our Past President`s has a particular Jack that he feels brings him luck on the greens, and so he likes to use it as a good-luck charm whenever posssible. Recently he has taken to concealing the jack in secret places so that no-one else can use his secret weapon... this time he was caught retreiving the jack by two fellow members
There has also been a spate of aerosol incidents in the club............... let me explain...
Firstly we had Mary.... you know who I mean, the wee quiet wummin that would not say "Boo" to a goose, but would heidbutt it if it answered back ! Well anyway, she was caught in the club, with a well known proprietary fabric freshener in her jacket pocket. She said that she was just freshening up the place, but she was seen giving her man a wee spray every now and then and "schooshing" him every time he stood up to get another round in !!!
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Evidently when Mary heard she was going to be featured in " The Bankie Bugle" with her aerosol, she called Max Clifford to ask him to be her agent ( Just like all the other stars, Susan Boyle, Sam Fox, Rosemary West )..... we don`t know what kind of offer max made Mary for his services, but you can see her computer 5 minutes after she got his email !!!
And then the second "Wee Gem" concerning aerosols................During the Milmine Trophy day this week, one of our more respected members.. ( he buys a round ! ) Tried to cover up his embarrassment of being caught with some of the trappings of vanity! Now Hugh claims ( quite strongly ) that the aerosol is not his, and he puts forward a good case when you look at his haircut....................But the camera NEVER lies.. This was found in his pocket, and why else would you have hairspray in your pocket, unless you were expecting " A bad hair " day.... So what is it next Hugh? Gel or Wax?
Next we have a couple of stories of mystery and suspense..
Firstly Jimmy Irvine was showing off his prowess as a card shark at the club on The Milmine Trophy Day. He was performing a card trick for Billy Wilson which was very good, he managed to produce two pairs so often, some people on the next table thought they were in a market stall in Eastenders. Jimmy poachled the cards and completed the trick brilliantly .....if you dont believe me, see the review below from Variety Magazine
" with slight of hand Jimmy mesmerised the audience, the audience were completely under his spell... "
then a wee Bankie Boilermaker frae Broons piped up and said " Aye he might be good at cerds, but he`s no that good. Rink 4 did better wi` their cerd and took the sweep money !"
The second story of mystery was also on the same day, also on rink 4 and also with Billy Wilson involved...
( This is getting as bad as a seance, they`ll soon be calling our club " The Dunedin Triangle " )
I was playing on rink 4 ( well most of the time, sometimes my bools went on a wee adventure onto rinks 3 & 5 ... Sorry again ! ) anyway
I was playing on Rink 4 and I turned round to make some complimentary remark to Billy Wilson on Rink 5. and... he wasn`t there !!! I blinked in disbelief and when I opened my eyes again... He was back... Our own Billy Wilson was appearing and disappearing like Connor McLeod in Highlander It was just unbelievable.
This troubled me quite a bit, because I thought that maybe Brian Wyper had spiked my drink so that he could win the sweep money, but anyway... So I decided to watch Billy closely and see what was happening. while I had one eye on Billy he played a shot ( not very good shot, he got a wikkey, just usual for Billy ) and as he turned away, he disappeared from view........ and a millisecond later.... yup you guessed it he was back ! I watched closely and this same set of circumstances repeated over, and over, and over again. Always the same, never changed ( just like his wikkeys ) and always as he turned away. I thought about this for quite some time, and indeed I was still mulling over the possible explanations when the game was over and we were back in the lounge. THEN it struck me, before we went out to play Billy had been eating, maybe there was a connection there. So I challenged Billy about it and it all started to fall into place.
I asked what was on his sandwiches ( see picture below )
Billy let me into his secret.
The Bread is WEIGHTWATCHERS
The cold meat is WEIGHTWATCHERS
The salad cream is WEIGHTWATCHERS !!!!
( at this point I could say things like ..Who broke into Weightwatchers? Did they have a special offer on Weightwatchers stuff? Boy Weightwatcher is gonna be really ticked off that you have stolen his pieces ..etc, etc, etc But I won`t )
I told Billy what I had experienced on the green and said that it had troubled me. Billy reassured me that everything was fine, and it was just a new diet he was on and when he turned side-on he was so skinny that he appeared invisible to the naked eye!
( That is EYE and not AYE RIGHT )
I told Billy that my first thoughts when I had seen him with his sandwiches, were that he was going through some form of late midlife crisis and he was just being a sad wee man in the corner with a picnic on a day oot ! Billy didn`t answer me, and walked to the bar and ordered a weightwatchers glass of water....
