May you always have Love to share, Health to spare, And Friends that care

========================

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send.  

So today I just wanted to tell you..........
<>  
<>  
<> 

Suck it up, "Cupcake"!!!
'Cause there are NO CHANGES planned for 2010 !!

==========================================================

===================================================

Holiday Attitude Problem

Once again, we were disqualified from Clydebank`s

" Best Decorated Building"

contest due to our bad attitude!

=================================

Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father, working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.  One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.
 
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother. 
 
 
 
 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

========================================

 

 

=========================================================

To be read with a suitable accent.....

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name
Mary-Rose written oan it," said she
"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races
Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seemed
satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes
around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on
the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the
woman leans over and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with
a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married!"
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get yer ain Bliddy blanket!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
 "Toilet pepper!  yelled the woman!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's
been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. Whit part is it?"she asks.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband." The mother
scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the ‘Three Little
Pigs’ to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said Hellfire! A talking pig!'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite  words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
'May I ask what the turkey did?'

 

=====================================================================

The pandemic

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.   I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.  From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.  Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.  To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been  proven to help combat this unusual type of flu).  Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
 
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.  If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

PS: And if you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated in Whine Flu (particularly common in men and can result in bad cases of eye-rolling developing in their partners).

=====================================================================

Read very very slowly and carefully...

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

 

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

 

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

 

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

 

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

If zis mad you smil, pas on to oza pepl.

 

=====================================================================

Husband of the year awards

The honorable mention goes to:
The  United Kingdom

followed closely by...



The  United States of America














and then...





Poland












but  3rd Place must go to...



Greece














it was very very close but the runner up prize

was awarded to......






Serbia













but the winner of the Husband/Partner of the   Year is:




Ireland.Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics. Look, he's even

holding her hand...












Woman has Man  in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male  in it;

She has He  in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a.. HISterectomy.

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them....

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing

 

 

=====================================================================

Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last
two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I
had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven
years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've
been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.


I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the
first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you
can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten

me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating
pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because
the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed
fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for
a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

=====================================================================

Announcements from London Tube Drivers

1)
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the
delay to your service.
I
know your all dying to get home, unless,
of course, you happen to be
married to my
ex wife, in which case you'll want to cross over
to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2)
"Your delay this
evening is caused by the line
controller suffering from E & B
syndrome:-
not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any farther information as
soon as I'm giving any.

3)
"Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
The good news is that last Friday was my
birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a point failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we will probably not make our destination.

4)
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the
delay,but there is a security alert at
Victoria
station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so lets take our minds
off it and pass some time together.
All together now......
Ten green bottles hanging on a wall......."

5)
"We are now traveling through Baker Street.
As you can see, Baker Street is closed.
It
would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you
earlier, but no,
they don't think about things like that".

6)
"Beggars are operating on this train,
Please do NOT encourage these professional
beggars.
If you have any spare change, please give it
o a worthy registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me."

7)
During an extremely hot rush hour on the
Central Line the driver announced in a
West Indian drawl:-
Step right this way for the Sauna,
ladies and gentlemen....
Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
(...pause).
"Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care - I'm going home...."

9)
"Please allow the doors to close".
Try not to confuse this with
"Please hold the doors open".
"The two are distinct and separate instructions".

10)
Please note that the beeping noise coming
from the doors means that the doors are
about to close.
It does not mean throw yourself or
the bags at the doors".

11)
"We can't move off because some idiot
has their hand stuck in the door."

12)
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the
second carraige -
what part of
'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?'

13)
"Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(...pause).
Please move ALL belongings away from the door."
(...pause).
This is a personal message to the man in the
brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:-
Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your
bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
before I
come down their and shove them
up your a**e sideways!"

14)
"May I remind all passengers that there is
strictly no smoking allowed in any part of the
Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

=====================================================================

A TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Winalot dog chow for my loyal pet,
Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

=====================================================================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her! life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says,
'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing.
My Dad s cribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked,

'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,
'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

=====================================================================

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.



1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do- it- yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

=====================================================================

TWO IRISH ENGINEERS and a BLONDE

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,looking up.


A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.


Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder."


The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down.
She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few
measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.

She then walked off.


Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde!


We need the height and she gives us the length."

=====================================================================

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position,
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours,
and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada , says
"My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England , says
"My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland , says
"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Scotsman got the job ...

=====================================================================

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

=====================================================================

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country

#16.
'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through.'

#15.
'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14.
'If you take your hands off the car,
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13.
'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12.
'Can you run faster than 2700 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11.
'You don't know how fast you were going?
I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10.
'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9.
'Warning! You want a warning?
O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket.'

#8.
'The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7.
'Fair! You want me to be fair?
Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,
eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

#6.
'Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets and my wife will get a toaster oven.'

#5.
'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

#4
'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

#3.
'No sir, we don't have quota anymore.
We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can.'

#2
'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal
friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS
#1.
'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't.

Sign here.'

=====================================================================

What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Debenham's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.


Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..


The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

=====================================================================

=====================================================================

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story.
A married couple married MANY years came upon
a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make
a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! It really works!!!"

=====================================================================

Needs Sound ......................

=====================================================================

Needs Sound ......................

=====================================================================

Needs Sound ......................

=====================================================================

It's Tough Getting Old
 
 
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
 
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
 
 
 
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
 
The wife yells back to him,
 
 
 
 
 
  "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
 
 

===================================================================================

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?  
 -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  
-- Alan, age 10  
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  
-- Kristen, age 10

2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7  
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7  
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .....
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10   

================================================================================

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in
their  pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all  around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and  there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even  bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against  one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and  the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the  counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a  broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
The  back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,  looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something  serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.  As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys
Strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had  been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in  her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his  day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work  and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

===============================================================================

(Apparently) Actual statements from guests on their holiday questionnaire form:

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room..

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"The brochure failed to mention that there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's Scotland ...., the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers sportsmen and politicians. The people from Scotland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance, God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely, 'Ha, wait till you see the neighbours I'm putting south of the border.....!!!!!"
 

=============================================================================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?'I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a petrol station...And then the fight started....

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...

=======================================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf "Always something more important to me.Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.  
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.  

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.  Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!   That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.... Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you....  DUH!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment....   Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished....  Oh   no - not   again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.".....And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." ..... Oh   No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

=========================================================

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter , lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those
heart-warming bullsh** stories.

==========================================================

Hillbilly Collapsed

During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street. Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

"Give him some air," another man cried out.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?" 
 

========================================================== 

Look at the Picture carefully!

>
>
> Okay, now imagine how the conversation went to order the cake!! :
>
> Dunnes Bakery Cork Employee:
> "Hello. Dis Dunnes Bakery, how can I help you?"
>
> Customer:
> "Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week"
>
> Dunnes Bakery Employee:
> "Whatchu want ondacake?"
>
> Customer:
> "' Best Wishes Suzanne ' and underneath that ' We will miss you "

For all those who're old enough to remember who Tommy Cooper was

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I
said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No,
just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I
said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die
 

=============================================================================

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon ?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story ?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that ?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you !"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side ?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
 -  my personal favorite! A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me.."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you ?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting !
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER !"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space !"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun !"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night !"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.   The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that ?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs !"

=============================================================================

FROM THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO RONALDO

      PSALM 2002-2009

SIR ALEX IS MY SHEPHERD,
 
I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE FREE MARKET.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF EMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THRU THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

SIR ALEX HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH GLORY.
MY INCOME RUNNETH OVER MY NEEDS.

SURELY POVERTY AND HARD LIVING
WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY TIME WITH HIM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE
ALL THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES IN A LUXURY HOME
WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD..
*******************
BUT I AM GLAD I AM PORTUGESE,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG AND THE WAYNE WAS A TREE.
****************************

"Sir Alex grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the world,
so he kept Wayne and sold Ronaldo and removed all doubt."
======================================================================

Subject: Training classes 
 
Spring Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday,  June 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..  

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.  

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.  

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM  

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.  

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.  

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.  

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day . . ... and to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor . . .

========================================================================== 

 ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH.

Another Dream shattered!

Finally, someone
Has managed to photograph the
Pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!